In chess, a stalemate is a situation where a player has no legal moves left. When this happens, neither side wins or loses resulting in a draw. In relationships, we can also see this impasse of sorts. It's a feeling of stuckness where neither person is making a move to improve the current state of the relationship. Other times, it may feel like there isn't a move left to make. Generally, this sense of stuckness stems from an ongoing pattern of unmet needs and unheard thoughts. Relationship dissatisfaction slowly increases the longer a partner's needs are ignored. So what do most people need? Connection. Connection builds emotional intimacy and relationship security. When connection is not present, it may feel like there's no more chess pieces left to move.
So how does this translate when we feel stuck in our own relationships?
*Enter Dr. John Gottman* Gottman is a renowned relationship psychologist who has conducted breakthrough research with thousands of couples on marital stability and divorce prediction. He facilitated a 6-year research study with couples in the #LoveLab and found that happy couples "turn towards" their partners about 20 times more than couples in distress every day.
Every day, partners seek attention, affection, or support in the way of "bidding for connection." There are three ways you can respond to a bid:
Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)
Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)
Turning towards your partner means that you are being aware and responsive to the small interactions that you two share, or acknowledging these bids for connection.
If your partner were to audibly sigh after reading a text (an example of a bid), you could turn toward them by asking, "what's wrong?"
Turning away from your partner, in the same situation, would be ignoring them or just continuing what you were doing.
Turning against them takes the form of an attack, such as replying, “why do you always have to be so loud?”
If you can imagine, it's easy to feel disconnected in a relationship when your partner generally responds by turning away or turning against your bids for connection.
In the Love Lab, Gottman found that satisfied couples turned towards each other 86% of the time whereas unsatisfied (and less responsive) couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time. Now let's go back to the relationship stalemate.
It is a human desire to crave connection from your partner. So what if there is a correlation between feeling stuck in a relationship and the amount of bids we acknowledge as a couple? It is this awareness and responsiveness that create a deeper sense of emotional connection to your partner. Your feelings towards your partner and the success of your relationship depend on the acceptance or rejection of your bids. If you're feeling stuck in your relationship, it's possible to make a move in the form of turning towards your partner to break a relationship stalemate.
Your homework is to make a conscious effort to turn towards your partner more than you currently are every day and notice how that affects your relationship. Increasing your responsiveness to your partner's needs can help with re-building connection. I could be stating the obvious here but you deserve to receive the same attention in return. So turn towards your partner and ask for your partner to turn towards you!
Checkmate.
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